grace

Or

Five Times sorry i cant do this

This is my Piece titled "Stream of Consciousness Superthenatural Sexuality Headcanon Essay: One Example of How it's Entirely John Winchester's Fault Now on Freeform Tuesdays at 8/7c"


Chapter 1
Dean
Dean is Gay
If he was BiSexual as Many Foolish Idiots Claim, wait im too tired to post this to be edited later


sam is stupid


cas is not a person


im so tired

kill me


I LOOOVEEEEEEEEE THIS BRAVE GIRLS SOOONGGGGGGGGGG NAN NEOMU BYEONHAESSEO X2 NAREUL DEO IM THIRSTY FOR YOUR LOVE

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBRrrrrrrrrrrrGGggghhhhhhhhhh i cant believe i have a livejournal need in 2016.

ok. so . . . this is my essay. about venting . about. god i'm so stupid.


idk how to add a cut. here it is. dont look at it.


RRRRRRRGGGGGGH CAN I DO THIS? WHY AM I DOING THIS? I need to free myself. i need to cleanse my soul n let it out. and it's not like i can talk to my therapist abt it and everyone will be like "ok grace dramatic ass don't tell me abt thsi shit." i might go "heres my essay" anyway. cuz??? idk.

SO LIKE, vixx.... I've always had a problem with relating things to other things too strongly and now im like is it cuz im Mentally Ill? It's so embarrassing how it explains my Behaviors. but so yeah. Accepting them as a thing that still exists has been really hard for me and now that I've decided to do it and not let myself be .. hur t ... this is so embarrassing i hate myself. but I gotta like sort everything out.

I think the main thing that makes vixx = bad feelings for me is shame? that to me vixx means Friendship and that I had such naive ideas and such powerful feelings that I'm ashamed of now. Even though only one friendship was lost, that was like.. it felt like everything was crumbling, I became convinced everyon else hated me, I'm still ridiculously insecure about all my interpersonal relationships blahablha. I was very confident in friendships before that and now I'm Very Not. and like it's not just cuz of her but that was the first thing in a bunch of things in my life that made me worse and worse. There's so many parts to it that I have to sort it out and try to let it go. First and Foremost, I realize now that a lot of the joy i felt and the like overpowering hope is just because i'm Fucking Bipolar and that's overwhelmingly embarrassing. None of it was real, it was just my brain breaking, and that's like super hard to handle. I was so sure things were gonna better and that fate was a thing and I was safe but now I'm just liek no grace, you are just stupid and crazy!

Especially Stupid. It's all my fault for putting so much of myself into another person, a relationship, a set of relationships. For letting one affect the others, for shutting myself off. I feel like i've been really bad to everyone else because I just got back into my head liek I was before. I know I still do my best and it's probably not true but something in me for sure changed and I dont know how to get it back. I really want to though but I know everything's different and it won't come back but I want the feeling back. I wanna feel safe and at home! I just feel like I'm clinging to everyone praying they won't leave me now. More like it's a matter of time. Just like her! But at least I dont want to push people away, I'm not gonna hurt eveyrone like that. I just feel the same way.

This is the dumbest part... but I feel liek it was my responsibility. I forced everyone together I shouldve done more to keep it that way. I shouldve been better to her, tried to talk to her instead of getting mad. I should've talked to everyone else instead of pretending it wasnt happening. It was my job to keep everyone happy that's my Entire Purpose in life. It's all I ever do and I super super failed. I mean I always do but this was the big one. It's my job you know?? kenlee cutie mood maker who keeps everyone together. I don't even hate her I nothing her but I worry about her and I regret. all of it. I don't wish she was back with us but I wish i dont know!!! I haven't been able to close the gap I guess. it felt like.. the circle... and now there's a space in the circle. the circles keep happening and now theres just an extra. Us, and then another and it's like. we don't fit perfectly anymore. And I feel Double Worse about that cuz it's not fair to everyone else. it's such a fucked up way to feel, I'm so ... selfish evil.. but like.. everyone else moved on and they're stronger than me so I feel bad but it's also like... she was awful to everyone else too it's cruel of me to still care about her? or miss her? or whatever i feel. But, anyone, if i do show this to u. it would be so much worse if it happened to any of u. not to lie or reduce our friendship to something stupid, i know now to just be honest, but I just put too much into her as a Parent figure, you guys are like. real mutual same level friends. I treasure you so mch more than you can know...


so,,,, vixx just reminds me of how much I've betrayed everyoen with my feelings and how I'm so pathetic. I let myslf believe in such nice things but I was just childish and not medicated. I felt that way for maybe the first time in a ..relly long time.. and it felt so good even though of course it ended in me being liek I SHOULD COMMIT SUICIDE. but every time I get Bad it's just depression or antsy or angry and I would like at least to feel happy once in a while again. I wanna feel like part of a group I wanna feel like one equal piece again. when i get Weird I feel like a puzzle piece thats kind of sitting over the space and isnt pushed in and I think that's what i did with my relationships. Of course I still love everyone but I feel like I'm just clinging to my space instead of living in it u know? and I wanna fit. be where I belong u know!!!!!! Writing this out I already feel better. Maybe I will show everyone. I used to think that what i thought and felt mattered to other people. I think, what you guys (ahhHHHH changing tenses..) gave me was value. Is what all these puzzle piece shit feelings are. I felt like I mattered and that I had a place. AHHHH i remember saying this about ken. that's why I Hate him now or . did im def changing already writing this HahahHAHAH. but He had a place and I had a place but I felt like i didnt i guess. because if she had a place and then lost it, did she even have a place to start with? and I'm just like her in so many ways so, did I have one too? Did I just pretend i did or force myself in? but i wanna be important again I wanna be Me, a person with a job and a reason and who's just as needed as anyone else. 20%.

ken is like... I almost have the same thing w/ yzslg but of course it isnt. but the feeling of i am Harry and i Fit and its Supposed to be what it Is is nice but.. . . . ken is so different. I see myself in him still (another, reason, for , h at e, ) and sonas r so stupid but its such an important thing for someone invisible like me. and I wanna ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


so YEah!!! those r my feelings. i feel a lot better. nothing ever gets lt go for good but this is the best I've felt about it since. It's okay that I felt this way, everyone has their own stuff. I don't feel so guilty right now.

i love u guys so much i hope it lasts forever for real

IM IN MIDDLE SCHOOL EXCPET IM NOT IM AN ADUTL HAHA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WANT A MILKSHAKE AND IW ANT ! uh not a headache and

world peace